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About Me

I would LOVE to tell you I’m this happy, free-spirited, fun, fly by my seat person that’s always a JOY to be around…but I’m NOT! Not anymore anyway. That’s the person I once was. Always had been then over night I disappeared. I honestly don’t even remember the exact time, the day, the year or better yet…the “reason” I got lost. I somehow just lost my way, I veered off the path snd was sucked into this dark, cold, unfamiliar place that I would have never intentionally gone to on my own. There are no real words to describe it. Nothing I could compare it to so anyone else could picture where I had gone. It was like no other place I had ever seen, heard of or could possibly imagine even existed! There wasn’t another sole in site, no sign of life….no smell or sign of change as there was no sun or moon, no clouds or even a sky, or maybe I never looked? I know I was there, in this “place” forever. I stopped counting days. I didn’t know if it was day or night. Most people would say I was either crazy or depressed. But there, there was no one to give an option. No one to judge me. Even though I had never been there, there was a very erie yet familiarity to it. Though there was no one but me, it seemed much quieter. Actually there was no sound at all. Though it was a place of sadness and what felt like loss, something, somewhere I felt a sense of calm. Then out of no where I realized what was missing….it was me. The quiet I was experiencing wasn’t due to the lack of life, of people and cars but the the abstinence of my own voice. You see, I had spent the past 2, almost 3 years of my life talking to myself. Not as most people would think when they hear that term, but talking out loud as if I were having a conversation with another. I’d ramble on for hours sometimes without even realizing. Without anyone else in the house ever questioning or I suppose caring. I do recall a few times my estranged husband, (which is a whole other story) stopping at my bedroom door just to say, “Did you say something”? But would quickly disappear before I could give a response. For the most part I think he was just letting me know I was doing it, because he didn’t care what I had to say nor what I didn’t say. If we weren’t arguing, it was because we were busy doing something else or because we were doing something else to keep from arguing if that makes any sense at all? But my point was, I was at a point in my life that I had almost stopped any type of communication with anyone. I was miserable with everything in my life, and mad at how it had somehow gotten to this point. There was nothing I was happy to do or happy to have. I hated myself and where I was in life, especially at my age. Had you told me this was what my future held for me 10 years ago, I would have probably been able to see or at least agree with you. But you see, something changed in my life in 2013 and nothing or no one could do or say anything to bring me down. I was on top of the world! I found myself happier than I had EVER imagined being. Almost like a fairytale come true. So how did I go from a fairytale to this never ending nightmare?